The truth does not depend
on what you read1
so why am I writing
this long poem?
I began writing poetry
at age five
when I first learned to read and write
not very well
extremely Dr Suessy
lots of farm animals and flowers
obnoxious end rhymes and limericks:
Pickory pickory pair
The goat went in the air
The horse went up
The goat came down
And wandered through the town
High school and sappy love poems
only fourteen
but I knew love
real love
even if the guy across the classroom
didn't know he loved me back
or I hated the world
life sucks
parents suck
I suck
no on could possibly kno
w
how I feel:
Stay out of my room
Stay out of my life
I hate you with a great passion
To me, you're like a knife
Second semester of college
first poetry writing class
concrete poems
abstract meanings
about my cotton sheets
angels smoking in heaven
what I did to myself
and more unrequited love
I wanted to be with him forever
now I want to stab him in the face:
If I could look into your eyes again,
I would tell you
I am fine,
but we would both know I was lying.
You may see our wounds,
but only I can feel the scars
beneath my skin.
January junior year
cold but no snow
I like snow
cheerio-sized flakes
pushed off the windshield
never floating onto my eyelashes
but instead I am writing
this long poem
Maybe
I will figure out why
I want to write about God and religion
I want to pose my questions
I want to write what I think
But I can't
I try
but I sound like I'm trying
I don't want to sound like I'm trying
I want to sound like I sat down with a blank piece of lined-paper
took out my purple pen
sucked on the tooth-marked cap
and wrote the greatest thesis about God and religion
When I lie awake at night
all these wonderful thoughts flood through my brain
marching through the darkness
etching white lines onto my chalkboard
Is God real?
Is God all the Gods?
Is the Goddess the God?
How could God demand His only Son?
[I would never demand my only son for the forgiveness of others]
Is God single?
How can anything be its own father and son?
Is there a heaven?
Is there a hell?
What happens after death?
Are our souls made of energy?
Does that energy go to another plane
or does it just become other energy?
Can energy never be created or destroyed?
If God made man in His image
does God follow the rules of mankind?
Why only man?
Why did Adam give birth to Eve?
Why did Athena pop out of Zeus?
[What a headache]
Why does religion work against real life?
What is real?
Does God know more than we created in his image know?
Does the world not work like we think?
Sometimes I want to throw myself down the stairs
My brain thinks too much and makes my head hurt
I don't understand Christianity
how Christianity can be so right
I don't understand religion
an institution created by humans
humans are fallible
humans are why theories never work in practice
Communism works in practice
everyone gets what they need
Democracy works in practice
government by the people
for the people
But people are stupid
People are greedy
People want power
Religion is power over the people
People want power over the people
Sometimes I wish
I was one of the stupid
that I didn't/couldn't think so much
that I didn't/couldn't question
question people
question religion
Question God
Sometimes I just want to throw myself down the stairs
out the window face first into jagged gravel
swallow a handful of 88 antihistamines
scratch open my wrists with a safety pin
watch the blood drop down my arm again
or better yet
have myself nailed to a cross as a reminder
as a warning
But I can't
what if religion is right?
The Gods must be crazy
In the beginning He is
Vengeful
You ate from my tree
Get out of my garden!
Sometimes He is a She
Praise Diana, Cynthia, Phoebe, the moon
He creates man in His image
as Athena pops out of His head
He is both Father and Son
And Mother, and Lover, and Crone
She is a matriarch
His name can never be spoken
He is in the land, the air, the sea, the sky, the water, the sun
He is merciful
demanding the blood of his only Son
If God created Man in His Image
why did He need to kill His only Son
for forgiveness of us silly little humans?
If a father is trespassed against
if another man steals his wallet
sleeps with his wife
shows allegiance to another man
another team
kills a puppy on the street
that father does not demand his son as a sacrifice
If the man realizes his terrible deeds
apologizes
begs for forgiveness
the father either forgives or does not forgive
That father does not demand the man beat the father's son to death
If you sin against me
I will not ask you to murder my child for your forgiveness
If I commit a crime my actions cannot
place blame upon my offspring and future generations
If I commit a crime
the rest of the world should not be deemed guilty
How then can a once vengeful now merciful God
demand the death of His Son for the forgiveness of Adam and Eve's sin?
"Things aren't going well."
Mom is trying to do our taxes.
Sitting in front of the computer.
Click, nope. Click, nope, Click
Damn it! Nope!
Why do these tax codes have to be so bloody difficult!
Is there some sort of reward at the end?
| NAVIGATE THE TAX CODE WATERS |
| FIGURE IT OUT AND WIN ALL YOUR TAX MONEY BACK |
Who will do my taxes?
I would have to hire someone else
or else not pay my taxes.
Then I'd get a lovely stay in
| TAX FRAUD PRISON |
| (Bill picked up by honest taxpayers.) |
And I love that she does my taxes.
Now that is true mother's love:
To sit in front of a computer
surrounded by forms and W2a
and do my taxes.
I love my mom.
I should tell her more often.
The Gods still must be crazy
First He is all
Don't eat from this tree
See how pretty it is
See how wonderful it is
It holds all
knowledge
of good and evil
If you eat from it
you will be like me
<Neon sign flashes>
<Tree of Knowledge>
But don't eat
from it
If you eat from it
I will kick you out
of Perfection
Other than that
Eat from whatever you want
But don't eat from this tree
Don't eat
from this tree
Then He is all
Arg! You ate from my tree
What did I tell you?
Bad kids
Get out before I spank you
and God is all vengeful
Everyone must die
You are all sinners
go to hell
where you will be tortured
by my absence
an absence that I created
because I am all powerful
Why did I create evil
because good needs an opposite
But then I am ruled
and not all powerful
Stop questioning me
I'll be all happy
as long as you murder my son
Then I'll be all happy
Or I'll throw thunderbolts at you
as little goddesses pop
out of my head
"So, God, tell me about your mother."
I don't know my mother
Sobs
I don't know where I came from
I have no cause
to my effect
Even if the pieces
shaken up in a box
could fit together
to write a novel
someone still had to put them in the box
and shake
But what shook
that person
into existence?
I can prove
God exists
with a high degree of certainty.
If all the letters
of all the words
in a Harry Potter novel
were shoved in a box
and shaken
the pieces would eventually
fall into order
to write the book.
But most of the time
gobbledigook
(jibberish, not Goblin language):
r r r plevaries wewe
DMDM, foomurrr
eye pectry und renal
tha humaney yu.ch norreff
Ptolosumu say t t
hybrid, tev tev, rok
Someone needed
to put the letters into words
and the words into order:
Mr and Mrs Dursley,
of number four
Privet Drive,
were proud to say that
they were perfectly normal,
thank you very much2
Existence could have
simply
fallen into place
but not probably
Even if existence
defied probability
who then shook the box
and even put the pieces in?
Did the pieces appear magically?
Did the box shake itself?
If so the box is
the creator.
The non-existence of God
defies probability
The only question that remains:
what created God?
Darwin did not develop evolution
as an argument against creationism,
bones and fossils show
Earth was not always
as Earth is now
nor will earth be the same
in the future,
ginormous reptiles once stood
where the cold steel frames
of humanity now dominate
the broken mass of land
floating on a fiery magma core,
dinosaurs now exist
only in the like skeletal structures of birds
and as giant unfinished puzzles
in museums of a perpetually changed past,
humans were not the first
to walk upright and use tools
nor did humans descend from present day monkeys,
perhaps a common ancestor
long dead
initially placed in a complex universe
by an intelligent designer
Said Sara
You're the poet in my heart
But Sara is
the poet in her heart
Who is
the poet in my heart
if I have a poet at all
do Calliope and Polyhymnia
from their spring-endowed mountain
shoot me with inspiration,
inspire nine of the top ten movies
(But not Home Alone
Who would have thought
that would be popular?
eh, Serendipity?)
or like the bible
(Supposedly)
divinely inspired
by the breath of God
(I hope He brushed His teeth,
if an all powerful "being"
need brush its teeth at all)
inspiration
the true author is not me
I am only the vessel
for the poem
or the song
or the jiggy little dance
said Terpsichore to Nataraja on Beltane
Let's boogie
Or maybe the muse, and God, and inspiration are
all a part of me
in me and of me
I am the writer
I am the creator
inspiration is within me
I have
a poet in my heart
and that poet is me
Or inspiration makes me think that
to keep me off its back
I like to play with my eyelashes,
run my finger tip up the underside
and down the top
Sometimes I rub back and forth
feels like a fine paintbrush
Never mascara,
too clumpy
and brittle
makes my eyelashes fall out
Once one falls out,
that's the end
I start tugging
and pulling
to make sure no other
eyelashes are loose
But sometimes I pull too hard
rip the little buggers out by their roots
sometimes black
sometimes white
(I always wonder why the difference
are the black ready to fall out,
the white clinging tight?)
I hate when the corners of my eyes
stick together
because of my eyelashes
so I rip the buggers out too
Eyelashes protect the eyes
from dust and other irritants,
But I like the sting left behind
on my eyelids
If I could marry
any literary character
I would marry
Harry Potter
with his perpetually fluffled dark hair
and avada kedavra eyes
(not blue
like Daniel
because he can't wear contacts)
Harry is my favourite
Christ-like figure
Poor Harry Christ-like,
but always saved
by a Christological figure
I want to grab him,
pull him away from the trapdoor
"Just wait for Dumbledore
Quirrell can't get the Stone
because he wants to use It"
But instead of my love
he is saved again
by his mother's love love like Jesus
who died to save mankind (not women)
"Harry, just tell Dumbledore
the voice you heard
Such a wizard
can put monster-voice-Parseltongue together
You won't have to save Ginny
We can sit by the fireplace
or snuggle and snog in the corner
or Room of Requirement
pale lights,
overstuffed loveseat,
no one to disturb us"
No Ginny!
Not ginormous symbol of evil
trying to kill you with one look
(like I died for you)
Not even Fawkes Himself can save you
once I get you in my claws
I'll tear you to shreds.
But you'll like it
Striped sheets and pillowcase
greens, blues, purple,
twin set
I Love Walmart pillow
blue with white marble
yellow smiley faces
12 by 14
Pink fleece blanket
over-washed and bunchy
extra pink material at bottom
Blue fleece blanket
still soft
never washed
Christmas present
from baby brother
Flowered quilt, handmade by Mom
red, blue, yellow, orange
yellow yarn
safety pinned to sheet
Blue bed frame
twin
chipped paint
bubblegum on southwest bedpost
Foam pillow
blue case
shoved between bed and wall
foot of bed
Dust covers
mattress
two pillows
Flowered square pillow
pink, purple, blue
dark purple and beige background
frilly matching trim
handmade by Mom
between wall and bed by blue
Long round pillow
white with rainbow triangles
puffy pain triangles
handmade by Mom for cousin Sarah
on top of flowered square pillow
Psychedelic pillow
rainbow hearts and flowers
metallic rainbow lace trim
between bed and wall
next to flowered square
SPACE
for outlet
Lumpy pastel pillow
yellow, pink, blue, green
squares
between bed and wall
head of bed
Matching large triangle pillow
rainbow triangles
white background
lumpy
handmade by Mom for Sarah
on top of lumpy pastel pillow
Matching flowered long round pillow
pink, purple, blue
dark purple and beige background
lavender ribbon
bridges over SPACE
Blankie
light blue
silky
rainbow edging
originally flowered
Baby Doll
yellow
hole on her back
blue eyes
no more yarn hair
hands chewed
white panties
pink dress
faded and worn
Better to be the lover or the belov้d?
The belov้d just stands
on the ivory pedestal
adored, revered, cherished
by the lover
The lover does all the work:
the adoring,
the revering,
the cherishing
Stand belov้d
in the icy lights
of artificial perfection
You cannot fall
or waver,
only the lover can
bring you down
The lover has the only power
to take you out
Unwittingly you were raised
like an offering to
a vengeful God
Try not to falter
Try your hardest
Be not like the weeble-wobble
The lover created you
The lover will create
your wanker status
Toenails
Take a hammer
precisely whack the big ones off
I hate my toenails
stab me in the legs at night
break off at the corners
little sharp shards grow
burrow under the corner skin
Remove the whole nail
no toenails
no ingrown
Dad says
toenails are important
in case we ever want
to use our toes as claws again
I can already use mine like claws
curl the toes
around the hair on his arm
Pull
He hates underarm hair
gets caught in his shirt
rips from the skin
soaks up the smell of human
I shave mine off
sometimes
or not
only if I remember
Tried to wax once
missed so many hairs
bruised the pit
from ripping, ripping, ripping
Nair hurt even worse
burned the skin
greased up the hair
But I can always put lotion
under my arms
mango and shea butter
Mom just tells me to soak
the toe in hydrogen peroxide
pop, pop, fizz, fizz
oh what not a relief
it bloody burns
She won't try the hammer
I would
but I'd probably miss
break the bone in the next toe
maybe if I think enough
I can evolve into
a magnificent toenailless being
Love is
a girl in a hallway
in the dark
one tear
sliding across her cheek
into the corner
of her mouth?
Love is
a tool of art
for the lover
to create,
to carve,
to pine for
the beloved
who holds the power
to crush
the lover?
Love is
reason
enough
to allow Himself
to die
pinned to a crucifix,
stabbed with a spear
for the indiscretions
of everyone else,
not His.
Love is.
Ever been sick
and just felt
like dying?
Thick mucus
drips
excruciatingly
from you sinuses
into the back of your throat
You try to sleep
but you can't
for drowning
in your own
viscous
virus entombing fluids
that threaten
to build up in you
cough-racked lungs
and drown you
a second time around
You wonder why
God created
viruses and bacteria
and other nasty micro-organisms
that ravage war
against your fatigued white blood cells
Because God needed
to create a balance
between all micro-organisms
good
and all micro-organisms
bad
which means
God is ruled
by duality
The Christian God
of the Western World
is ruled
(not rules)
by the foundation
of Western thought
Binaries
Good versus bad.
Well versus ill
Powerful versus powerless
God versus humans?
Where does God stand in His binary?
Or did God create
the rules
and stand above all?
Then God
did not create
man in His image
If God created man in His image
why do females give birth?
Face the facts
God is a man
He created
He gave
His only Son
Jesus
He
God
Holy frickin male spirit
or ghost
although ghost seems more Pagan
whatever Pagan is you Christiocentric dictionary
God gave birth to man
man gave birth to Eve
Eve gives birth
to the rest of humankind
Whacked up
God created man in His image
but a distorted image
from dust
God is made of dust?
So God is fragile
salient
easily blown away
I can believe that
with freewill
I can choose to believe
God exists
or blow him out of my mind
like I blow dust off a book jacket
but if God can be
blown away then
God is not all powerful
Dust clings
but is easily wiped away
with a dingy rag
God created a distorted dusty image
where people are solid
relatively
and woman creates life
with the help of man
and woman gives birth to children
Either God did not create man
in His image
or God is a woman
or someone fucked up the books
I hate when people
deliberately
misinterpret
what I say
and not just any people:
my father
Sometimes
he really annoys me
The other day
I was talking
about my Harry Potter wedding,
theme, I mean
not my marriage
to Harry Potter
I said
I could have the wedding
in a castle
My father said
Yes, I could rent a castle
(Meaning me, not him)
I said
by then I'll be a
bazillion millionaire
and I'll buy my own castle
Because I'll have sold
my best-selling book by then.
But I have to wait
at least ten years
after the seventh Harry Potter book
is released
to publish my children's fantasy series
Why?
Because it has elements of
Harry Potter,
Lord of the Rings,
Series of Unfortunate Events,
and His Dark Materials.
Because you plagiarized.
I just meant
I don't want to compete
with Harry Potter.
Thunderstorm warning tonight
why pay attention?
Central Illinois in Spring
Somewhere usually a tornado
Always a chance for rain.
As the saying goes:
"If you don't like the weather
stick around for a minute
it will change"
Even if I worried
how can I stop the swirling winds
from destroying my house
and my home
Mother usher your children
as you children grab your pets
out into stinging cold rain pellets
slipping over the soaked grass
down into the basement
How I wished we could go downstairs
from inside the house!
Siren silence
All clear?
Wait a minute
Clear skies mean nothing
on the edge of a storm cell
Just be patient
we'll be back down tomorrow
G major
Seagulls fly when mermaids cry3
Every rock song
except Stairway to Heaven A minor
and Hotel California F# minor
written in G
E minor
Those tears won't dry
Relative minor
three half steps down
C major
for Lorelei
IV for Lorelei
Every rock chorus
I, I, IV, V
Modulate to bridge
The siren sings
D major
There she is I heard her cry
Modulate to D
actually V
C major
Asking me if I will die
Down to IV
G major
Seagulls fly when mermaids cry
Return to tonic
Move over Victor Krum
Harry Potter is a British bon-bon
I'll fatten up that
slightly scraggly body
Just let me climb the stairs
to the boys dormitory
(I'll show them girls are more trustworthy)
Shh just let me
sneak between the maroon and gold curtains
I'll feed you caldron cakes
and let you drink pumpkin juice
from a goblet
off my chest
If you want
or we can sneak down to the kitchen
Want me to tickle the pear?
We can hide under your cloak
and creep to the willow
in the dark
I'll take you to the shack
make you shriek
like only I can
Only I won't leave you wanting more
you can take me
anywhere you want
on your broomstick
Tonight I read in the local journal
my ex-boyfriend is engaged
to be married two months from now
We only broke up a year ago
I met him the summer after
my high school graduation
during a play with the local theatre group
Between scenes he asked me
if my boyfriend was coming to the performance
I told him I was single,
asked about his girlfriend
He was single, too
We started dating when my fall semester began
For nearly eight months
he put up with my undiagnosed
mental illness
OCD and depression really strain a relationship
He tried to deal
with my self-injury and half-hearted attempts
His ex-girlfriend warned me at a party
"I hope he doesn't lie to you"
I should have known
when he told my mom he was a history major
only not attending school
That March he just stopped calling
I confronted him
in his parent's house
(where he still lived),
tried to shatter my skull on the doorframe
Seven months later he mailed me
a letter sorry he hurt me,
wanted me back
I gave him a second chance
My brother threatened
to punch him in the face,
angry at the guy who
broke his sister's heart
I should have let him
Five months and then the end
a frantic phone call
made by me
after another week of no contact
Only one year later I read the paper
and think about my play
inspired by him
but written, published, directed by me
Never break a writer's heart,
she will write about you
the idiot in the dedication
I hate my job
but who else doesn't
hate mediocre tasks?
folding laundry
making coffee
answering phone calls
I so want to quit
shriek
Take this job and shove it in
the industrial sized washer
But I can't
Not until after August
I got some pretty low rates
for my family reunion
2 beds
however many people
45 plus tax per night
$48.83
I only work four hours a week
8 to noon on Sundays
but I would so rather stay
curled up in fleece covered bed
snooze comfortably through the morning
in my purple-blue tinted room
instead of throwing on my fake silk black pants
and dingy white fleece shirt
My nametag is chipped
[three years does that]
and pokes me in the chest
with sharp right angle corners
Breakfast makes me gag
but I have to eat
or else pass out into a basket of dirty laundry
the smell or wet towels and used bedding
make me want to drown myself
in the pink disinfectant
I don't really want to die
I just want to quit
I work with a backstabbing heinous
bitch
Not just any bitch
A 50-year-old bitch
I could blame her bitchiness on the menopause
hot flashes
irritability
the knowledge that she can never again have a biological child
But she hates kids
and vagina doctors
She once told me
if she was ever pregnant
she would squeeze the kid out in the bathtub
she didn't even care if the child died
Selfish bitch
She also told me
I think too much
Heinous bitch
then she talked about me thinking too much with other people
Backstabbing bitch
How can anyone think too much?
Is asking
why you believe what you believe
so wrong?
She told me
they always say
never discuss politics and religion
I said
I don't say that
Politics and religion are a part of the basis of life
She told me
I think too much
I don't think she thinks enough
What keeps me up at night
always brings my thoughts
back to religion
I am supposed to write
one page
for one hour
for every day
for poetry
for which I write this poem
I should not have taken
eighteen hours worth of English courses
Even if then
like thirteen next fall
I would still need to meditate
keep my heart from exploding
under stress-induced high blood pressure
and lack of sleep
I want to slam my head onto my striped pillowcase
cuddle my Baby Doll
like a baby
sleep until I can no longer
keep the pressure off
my urine-filled bladder
fetal position is good for the back
I read heard or saw somewhere
is comforting but squishes ye old bladder
I try to sleep through the pain
my kidneys shutting down
poisoned by my own piss
Instead I haul my fat ass
(thank you German birthing hips)
out of bed
after doing sit-ups to poke the incessant alarm
To sleep
perchance to not dream
for even in dreams I do schoolwork
technical writing, play directing, library processing
Melodramatic angst my ass
Would throwing myself down the stairs
be so bad
as long as I knocked myself unconscious
near the top
Alas I don't want to go to hell
or come back as an intestinally-bound tapeworm
Why when a woman is raped
and impregnated
did God intend for that child
to be forced upon
that unwilling mother
but never
does God intend for that woman
to abort
that unwanted fetus?
God did not have a chance
to let that child
live or die
When a child dies
from mutated blood cells
or a self-destructive immune system,
by the hands of a selfish parent
or a stray bullet on a playground
God chose
to bring that child home.
Religion is contradictory
God is infallible
Abortion is bigger
than God
He gave humankind
freewill
but stills knows everything
we will do
When a woman is raped
and impregnated
and chooses
to abort
the unwanted fetus
God cannot interfere?
Freewill is bigger
than God
The future of free press in America
What is the future
of free press in America?
Insult the president
and he'll be listening
on the third end of your phone
Write:
I got bombed on New Year's Eve in Times Square
in an email
and Carnivore marks you for life
Check out a book
about firearms or nuclear weapons
The feds will be watching you
Thank you Patriot Act
I feel so much better
knowing you are keeping an eye on
the elderly couple across the street
and their interest in World War II artillery
Thank you for protecting me
from the drunk frat boy
sitting behind me in class
What would I do if reporters were allowed
to print their true opinions
without fear of black listing
God forbid the truth change an opinion
Or an opinion change a mind
One mind could change a nation
What is the future of free press in America?
I would hate to see the first amendment upheld
What would happen to America
if the free press were actually free?
Sophie Scholl4 was frustrated
during high school
Adolf Hitler imposed a new
standardized school curriculum
so all Germans had the same world view
a nazi world view
from a nazi government
Sophie was frustrated
by the nazi school system
No German child was left behind
All German children learned the same
world view:
Germany Good
everyone else bad
Every German child was forced
to perform at the same, standardized level
No room for anything different
No room for anyone else
Sophie Scholl was frustrated
during high school
So was I
I hear there's trouble in Shangri-La5
the elevator is out of order
the floor tiles are cracked
the walls are growing something
that
moves
and the desk clerk is a real wanker
But I'm still looking for a room
Some kind of room
Any kind of room
I'll even take
a standing room only closet
I just want a piece of Shangri-La
I can't stand outside
the locked tarnished french doors
scared I'll get my foot stuck in the revolving doors
I need to get out of this big scary world
[Why is everyone looking at me?]
Please let me in
I'll stop banging on the chipped lead glass
I won't put my fist through your fancy curtained window
if you just let me in
[Please stop looking at me]
I just
want
to get
out
of this
dirty
impure
life
There's no space in Arcadia
the Elysian Fields are full
and Eden closed its doors
I don't care
if there's trouble in Shangri-La
I still want a room
I did precisely as I was bid
every Sunday morning
out of bed for school
before Mom even awoke
"But daddy I don't wanna go
it's cold outside
the basement smells funny
why isn't mom up yet
no fair!"
She taught the same boring lessons
every year
I drew John Lennon
with wings in heaven
black mod suit
Beatle haircut
and all
Paul McCartney wasn't with him
yet
I always though animals
heaven-bound too
drew white mice with little wings
prayed for each rat
found curled up in the cedar woodchips
Even talked to Sammy
my guard cat as a baby
I taught him to dance
as well as a cat can dance
but he let me
Black and shiny
Dad caught him
walking on the car
used him as a wash rag
Sammy left paw prints on the clear coat
because he know
my dad way annoyed
I can just see him
sniggering into his clawed paws
resting on a cloud
until his next life
is ready for him
I talk to my grandpa
died when I was eight
I still wonder
do the angels smoke in heaven
hope he quit
don't want him
to botch up his next chance
He came to me once
while I was lying in bed
How am I certain
I just know
My body unmoving
my mind a clear blackboard
I felt him
tingling like the after-zap
of a finger on a partially unplugged cord
I don't go to school on Sunday anymore
because I know we will meet again
here on earth
It just so happens
I'm tired of being a person
I want to be
a caterpillar
or a whale
Parents lie
You can't
be anything you want to be
when you grow up
I can't
Be
a caterpillar
or a whale
What if caterpillars have it
figured out
What if caterpillars are
what it's all about
What if
I can never reach self-actualization
because I am
not a caterpillar
The hierarchy is impossible to climb
I cannot climb
unlike the caterpillar
can easily climb the tree
How many caterpillars fall out of trees
I fell out of lots of trees
I am not a caterpillar
I can never be
a caterpillar
How can they tell me I can
not be a caterpillar
if I can also be
anything else
I want to be
a caterpillar may know the secrets of the universe
a caterpillar may understand
what is god
a caterpillar
may be god
and I cannot be a caterpillar
caterpillars is a stupid
word
How many caterpillars does it take
to screw
in a light bulb
Who cares
Not the caterpillar
So why ask?
Definitely do not bother
God or the caterpillar
Where is an eagle?
Where is an eagle not?
An eagle is not
at the bottom of the tumultuous ocean
swimming with the giant squids
that attack giant whales
An eagle is not
floating around in outer space
bonking into satellites and comets
An eagle is not
swimming around a ginormous vat
of green-flavored liquid
Or maybe an eagle is
If I were an eagle
I would hang out with
the giant eagles of Middle Earth
and rescue Hobbits from scalding hot lava of doom
Lava of doom
Prickly ball of doom6
Don't let the machines
eat your babies
And be careful not
to jab yourself with the sharp plastic lights
Someday I want to decorate my house
like Chevy Chase
on Christmas Vacation
I want to blind my neighbors
Of course
my neighbors are all old
and probably can't see very well
anyway
I can't see well either
Without my contacts
I can only see clearly
a foot in front of my face
Eagles must have better eyesight
How else do they catch field mice
without bopping themselves on the head?
Poor little Bunny Foo-Foo
Apparently I am
a scary person,
and not just a scary person
a scary girl
Do I really scare people?
Is it the small thing?
Small dogs scare me
Well, not exactly scare
More like annoy
And not jus any small dogs
Small yippy dogs
I want to kick
small yippy dogs
kick and laugh as they whimper away
Maybe I am scary
here I am
writing about kicking small animals
But not just any small animals
Small yippy dogs
Yippy is the key word
I want to kick the yippy dogs
the loud little yippy dogs
that think they are big fierce dogs
Maybe I hate small yippy dogs
because I am a small yippy dog
I am small
but am I yippy?
Could I really hate myself enough
to take out my rage
on poor defenceless animals
But small yippy dogs are not defenceless
Ever had one of those buggers bite you?
those little tiny teeth burrow into your flesh
refuse to give up their precious fresh meat
I just want to kick the little bugger
before it bites me
What exactly are souls?
Something separate
from the body
even apart
from the mind
According to Christianity
the soul is the essence
that contains spiritual knowledge
Even after the death of the body
the soul survives
eternally
in heaven for a life repented
or in absence of God
for sins unforgiven
(unforgiven because unrepented).
Some souls even wander the terrestrial
waiting for something left unfinished
or not knowing the body died
But I am not so sure
I think souls are made of energy
(for everything is made of something)
If a soul exits to heaven
it leaves this so-called
plane of existence
Energy can never be destroyed
or created
in this world.
Why then would souls
not follow the laws of physics?
Souls are more like auras
fields of life force
as opposed to distinct entities
Once a body dies
its soul continues to exist
or rather
the energy that is the soul
Either as another soul
as a flower before dying
releases a seed
that produces another flower
or dissipates into other energy
as a tree that rots
becomes soil
which nurtures other plants
Echo lake
reflect the sky
meet the sky
until lake and sky are
indistinguishable
Swim into the cold water
naked
rejuvenated
alive
But nakedness is shameful
cover your body
Cover your body because
you now know shame
You were a bad child
and the heavens are separate
from the waters
You cannot be one
with nature
You now know nature
but must never be a part
rocks, trees, wind, clouds, sky
earth, animals, waters, sun, moon
Do not praise the art
Praise only artist
Praise nature
you will be put to death
bludgeoned with the stone you read
burned with the branches you bend
drowned with the waters you sprinkle
your cries will not be heard
above, the air is silent
the lake muffles you
your sins
they wash their hands
of your blood
in your blood
Praise not the art
Praise only the artist
She praised the art
We could not suffer
her to live
I want you to die
because I am bitter
only I don't want to be
only I do
Last Christmas I tore up
the rose you gave me
at your grandmother's funeral
I should have know then
and now you're getting married
you bastard whore wanker cock sucking
jackass fucking son-of-a-bitch damn
go-to-hell shit-faced bloody asshole loser
If I allowed my mean streak
to take over my reason
I would shred
the bear your gave me for Valentine's Day
box the pieces up with pretty paper
and mail the package to your fiance
I should be glad you dumped me
you pothead alcoholic mama's boy
because I am better than you
for the most part
At least I have more rage than you
Someday I'll tell Conan
you're the fucker who inspired my book
This assignment is stupid
I am not going to find all the breaks
interruptions in the poem7
I could read anything as an interruption
or anything as not
depends on how I read
some people might think
Tears for Fears
and the popcorn movie
is an interruption
I think they are connected
connected for me
Everybody wants to rule the world
I link to Real Geniuses
They fill the house with popcorn
as Tears for Fears
brings in the credits
Credits unlike credit scores
or college credits
interruption in thoughts
or connection in conscious?
stream of conscious
like a stream in a forest
flows naturally
without stopping to think
like a stream in Fangorn
uncensored like the Ents
Don't be hasty Master Hobbit
Don't be hasty
censor your speed
slow down the river
but you can't slow down the mind
if the mind thinks the must
is like 10000 years
and Indians
and Palaeontology
then the mind is not interrupted
there is no break
only uninterrupted flow
of thought
Shut up, Mom
Why is my education
always subjugated by Dad's
or your stupid cookies
I can't
stop in the middle
of stream of conscious writing
stream of conscious writing does not work
like that
you can't stop the flow
or else it all floods out
like Lake Pontchartrain
that was a stupid idea
let's dam up the wetlands
that protect
the rest of Louisiana from the Gulf
let's move the River back
to where we want it to flow
but you can't stop
the flow
you can't fight with mother
nature she'll kick you in the ass
and then stomp on your balls
when she has you down
who's brilliant idea was that?
Probably some guy
who thought he could mess with mother
nature
but ended up killing
hundreds of people
and destroying
thousands of homes
and thousands of trees
that make my paper
paper where I write this poem
a poem that has no idea where it is going
going in the trash
most likely
Today I saw a book
Our Impact on the Environment
as if we were
not part of the environment
as if we were
apart from nature
But we are not separate from nature
then Mama Nature would
not kick our ass
Stupid kids
says Mama Nature to Papa God
think they can move the Mississippi
back where they want
think they can damn up the wetlands
that protect their precious city
from the Gulf
Think again
you still little children
Meet my friend Katrina
Think you can build your lives
on my unstable fault lines
I'll dump your buildings
like you dump trash
on my back
Build your houses
on top of manmade mountains
I'll slide your homes
down a muddy hill
into the ocean
Put a hole in my ozone layer
I'll let the sun
kill you all
with skin cancer and acid rain
Mama Nature reminds us
yells at us
We are not apart from nature
We are not more above nature than a beaver
that downs a tree and blocks an entire river
That River will destroy that dam
push the carefully designed logs
under the surface
ruin what that beaver accomplished
But that beaver does not lament and ask why
That beaver downs another tree
and blocks the entire river
That beaver is not above nature
Neither are we
Jesus is not
the original sacrificial son
God has been demanding blood
since before in the beginning
Solomon offered 142000 livestock
at the bloody dedication
of the Great Temple
Kings believed
"the greater the sacrifice
the deeper the sincerity"
but only if you mean it
You cannot just light a candle
burn away your indiscretions
blow away your wrongdoings
on a wisp of lavender smoke
Would His teachings mean as much
if Jesus had not died
murdered as a political dissenter?
Would Jesus even have mattered
had Isaac not been sacrificed
before Him?
Nor would the Mother
ever again become the Lover
if Her Son did not die
every fall
Heaven is an endpoint
Christians try to live morally
Do not kill,
commit adultery,
steal, lie, or
worship other Gods
ask for forgiveness
to secure a place
in the afterlife with God
When a tree dies
it rots into new soil
devoured by insects
and bacteria
Through its death
that tree nurtures
new plants
which in turn nurture
animals and people
New shoots poke through
the frosted ground
as infants are born after
a lifeless? winter
Life goes go on
even after death
just in a different form
Babies grow up
Flowers blossom
Fruits and vegetables ripen
Soon the Sun climbs
to its zenith from Earth
marking the end
of another preceding
and subsequent season
Plump cobs of corn
are ceremoniously plucked from their stalks
Mammals fluffen with winter fur
Birds fly to more hospitable climates
Nothing on Earth that dies
disappears forever
Jesus is not judgemental
lepers, the poor, prostitutes
He loves them all
even lets Mary Magdalene wash Him
In the spring at Beltane
the Goddess unites with the God
in blessed marriage
She is the Lover
hidden from canonical scripture
God sends an angel
to the untainted vessel
miracle daughter of Anna
"Do not be afraid, Mary,
you have found favor with God.
You will be with child
and give birth to a son."
Mary is God's lover
carries His only Son
on Christmas becomes the Holy Mother
Does she know,
once lover,
she is the Mother of God
Not until age three years times four
is Jesus told
Eighteen years disappear
hidden in noncanonical writing
The Son learns he must die
for the good of all the world
He dies
He descends
Three days pass
He rises
The Son is reborn
only to ascend
Missing from his funeral cavern
To honored elder Mary at the tomb
He reveals Himself
And the Goddess
once the Lover
then the Mother
becomes the Crone
Christianity vehemently denounces magic
"Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live"
Praise only the male God
who gave birth to existence
who created man in His image
from either dust, dirt, or clay
Jesus the Son of God is no different from
Hecate the Daughter of Asteria
Two distinct entities,
two distinct Gods.
Yeah I said it:
TWO!
What're you gonna do, punk!
Send me to the Nazi pope?
Have him crucify me from my hazel eyes?
But "Thou shalt not kill" either
even if I question the oneness
of your oddly asexual God
especially if because I believe
Mother Nature is just as important
as our Father who art in Heaven.
"Thou shalt not worship false idols"
why should I wear this crucifix
chained around my neck?
So your church can choker-collar me
because I am a bad dog
Not that I don't believe in God,
even witches denounce black magic
praying to God for selfish purposes
Whatever you do
good or bad
comes back to you thricefold.
And frown upon party magic
tricks like turning water
into wine
You have Jesus in you
but I cannot believe
the Goddess and God is in me
and everything
Blasphemy!
Don't you blaspheme in here!8
Even if I am like she was
on a mission from God
I'd rather be lynched
doused in blood wine
burned with my own candles
than you suffer me to live
just remember:
"Let ye who is without sin
throw the first stone."
I've never claimed to be infallible
Obstetrical paradox
religions in which
males give birth
to females
Adam gave birth
to Eve
via a rib
Zeus gave birth
to Athena
(She popped
out of his head!)
And a male God
created everything
But in Witchcraft
(Wicca to avoid stigmata)
The Goddess gives birth
to the God
Spring
She, the Lover,
unites with Her Lover,
the God
(very sexual
like the milk and honey
of Hinduism)
Summer
The Goddess becomes
the Mother
Her body grows in pregnancy
The God
gives His energy
to His Lover,
on Midsummer's Eve
when the days start retreating,
realizes He, like all else,
must eventually die
Fall
The God dies
during Samhain
when the worlds are
most open
The Goddess still pregnant
with His child
Winter
Mother becomes Crone
as the God is reborn
on Yule, the Winter Solstice
(Just as Jesus
God and son of God
is born on Christmas)
Together
the Goddess and God play
until Beltane
when both again become
Lovers
For the planet Venus is
a yellow gaseous planet, situated somewhere
between the orbits of Mercury and Earth
but not between
Mercury and Earth
Usually
Venus means Aphrodite in Roman
or Latin, I guess
the language would be
Venus was love
the mother of Cupid
who chased Adonis
and tried
to rape him
But Adonis would have none of her
and then he died
Venus could not die
immortal Goddess of love
love meaning lust
but someday Venus will die
when the universe folds in on itself
and implodes
Implodes is the opposite of explosion
only the results are the same
either GNAB or BANG
but something crumbles
like coffeecake
but not coffeecake
left in the oven too long
Does coffeecake burst into flame though?
like the end of the world
when seven seals balance
the fate of humankind on their noses
like beach balls?
Will Jesus dress like a ringmaster
with a top hat?
Will He whip all sinners into Hell
and does one person only have to ask,
"Can you let everyone in?"
for God to open the gates to all?
What do I need to know about God?
Shuffle once, shuffle twice, thrice and cut
I am revealed
Strength
Ruled by Leo
lion vined by female
she crowned by the lemniscate
eternal
Strength to overcome
the negative physical form
energy exists before the body
after the body
Open the book at random
Strength calls to me
What am I told?
Ruled by fire
energy, creativity, action
she has the power
to overcome the animalistic passion
commanding but gentle
and yet as all
chance of ruthlessness and egotism
all must worship or be struck down
if the strength to overcome temptation
is not conquered
I know the words
but what is the meaning?
Time
such an interesting concept
I was born at
46 minutes
11 hours (AM)
3 days (Wednesday)
4 months (April)
1985 years
central standard time
[11:41 mean local
17:41 Greenwich median
19:04 sidereal]
but from when?
The common era,
formerly known as the year of Christ
or what have you?
such an artificial concept
created by us little humans
But the blind have no sense of time
claims Pozzo
(or is he Godot?)
when scientists
placed willing subjects in isolated rooms
without any source of natural light,
periodically called
to discern how and what
they were doing,
human beings function more naturally
on a twenty-five hour circadian rhythm
totally against the measly twenty-four
earth allots for a day
spinning on its own axis
The blind have no sense of time
nor does an all-seeing god
sees all things at all times
past, present, future
god views existence
through a messianic sense of time
Eve and Adam eat the apple
while Beckett writes Waiting for Godot9
whilst the sun explodes
My lowly human linear mind cannot fully grasp
the concept of messianic time
but if neither the blind nor the all-seeing
have a sense of time
as we understand time
where are the rest of us left?
can I live, exist, and die at the same time?
maybe I should just kick
my incessantly blinking digital alarm clock
give the finger to time
If God is so all-powerful
why did He take so long
to create the world?
Six days?
Why not just zap
existence
into existence?
Perhaps a day to a deity
is like a nanosecond
to us silly little humans
Six days may fly by
in less time than an actual
blink of a human eye
for a being
that always was,
always is,
and always will be.
[Then again]
separating the terrestrial
from the celestial
must be a lot of work
even for an all-powerful God
Some men can't even
separate darks from whites
let along the firmament
from the world.
[Then again]
"In the beginning
God created the heavens
and the earth.
And the earth was without form,
and void;
and darkness was upon the face of the deep
And the Spirit of God moved
upon the face of the waters.
And God said,
Let there be light:
and there was light."
is much more theatrical than
"In the beginning
God zapped the world into existence the end."
What do you do
when the guy you have a crush on
is sleeping
in the room next to you?
He has a girlfriend
but things aren't going well
getting ridiculous
apparently
or so he says
He's staying at your house
so he doesn't have to drive
here and back again
more than necessary
because gas prices are ridiculous too
He calls it a sleepover
jokingly you think
ordered pizza together
watched SNL
He fell to sleep on the couch
you on the other end
trying not to
his foot tickling your back
your leg across his thigh
warm, cozy, comfortable
you can't relax
because his foot is touching yours
and the inside of your thigh
You tried not to wake him up
climbing from between his legs
to brush your teeth
but you wanted to wake him too
have him follow you upstairs
into your room
where he grabbed you passionately at the waist
pulled you into his chest
left you totally speechless
with a rough but gentle kiss
his fingers in your hair
and down to the small of your back
Instead you left the light on downstairs
helped him make a bed
of sleeping bags and blankets
on the floor
told him your morning plans
replied goodnight
and shut your door
You didn't go right to bed either
took out the same purple pen
for God
and wrote what you wanted
him to be doing with you?
Could you do me a favor?
I'm too lazy to get off my fat ass
and do my work myself
could you check
if a book on the other side of my truck
is missing a call number?
And why may I ask
are you unable to do your work yourself
And while you're down there
could you pick up my Mardi Gras beads
because my back hurts?
Except I don't believe
your back really hurts
just like you don't believe
my fellow student worker gets migraines
Thanks
Kiss my ass
Such a stupid girl
quit with these feelings
you can't like him
he's not available
you're damaged goods
doesn't matter
he has that reddish blonde hair
and those eyes
those eyes that look at you
sigh
but you don't date anymore
not after last time
you're too messed up
he wouldn't want you anyway
even if he did
but he doesn't
you think
you hope
because then you can forget about him
forget about his eyes
how adorable he is
that you could cuddle his chest
while standing
that he stands a foot taller than you
forget how he makes your stomach wiggle
when he talks to you
and laughs
his mouth in a half smile
but you're no good
practically a whore
coerced into making out
with your former best friend's boyfriend
by your former best friend
no matter he asked to crash at your house
fell asleep on your couch
legs touching yours
making you giddily nervous
no matter
you don't date
he can't like you
after the play you should
just walk away
don't go see him play
he invited you
sort of
open mic on Wednesday night
I thought you were over musicians
didn't care about guys with guitars anymore
even if he wrote a song from your play
you'll never be the girl
loving him from backstage
smiling at the song he wrote for you
watching his glance to the side
because you're too good
for the front row
but you're not good enough
will never be
not even good enough
to write this poem about him
just put down your purple pen
stop pining for what
you'll never be with him
because he'll never want you
the closest you could get
his director in your play
the pathetic observer in the front row
adoring
gazing longingly at
his fingers on the fretboard
don't stare into his eyes
he might notice
So stop thinking about a kiss
don't making anything out of
his foot brushing against your back
his asking to spend Saturday night
all accidents
nothing intentional
he just doesn't want to drive
ninety extra miles
If nothing else works
don't love him
because of the distance
Remember when we used to be friends
Remember when I could tell you
about the feelings I am feeling right now
But not anymore
you're not here
because you have boyfriends
and I am a bad person
What else can I do
but let my feelings
make me even badder inside?
Before I spread the cards
I wrote:
"I don't know who my spirit guide is
yet"
No wonder all three cards reversed
Now "I want to know"
Negative
I want to know
who my spirit guide is;
Past
I am shown
Reversed Two of Wands
Fire rules energy, creativity, activities
but I hid behind words not my own
"I close my eyes when it gets too sad
I think thoughts that I know are bad
You make me feel like a whore
Be a good dog live life in a wonderful way"10
didn't really know my place
in work or society
hung out with the bandos
because I played with the band
wanted to be a teacher
because I didn't know what else
I could have carved my own pedestal
instead I feared
I would quiver
even when my doll joints were manipulated
posed unnaturally
atop stolen industrial marble;
Present
Reversed Nine of Cups
I do not have wisdom
gained through experiences of love
rather emotional distress
Only two and a half boyfriends
but what did I learn
Run from every guy
who figures out my class schedule
appears like Mephistopheles
and follows me around in the hallways
like a toddler who finds a new friend
I fear relationships
?for fear of being hurt again
Single motherhood is a good idea
but only if I can't
find a suitable mate
not because I fear the search
Let the element of water
wash away the un of fulfilled wishes
My efforts will be recognized
if I recognize
there are other sources of love;
Future
Not yet forged into marble
but malleable like a marshmallow
Reversed The Hanged Man
upside down but upright
Water can still flow from the present
if only I allow
Neptune to guide me
open myself to new ideas
whiles maintaining my belief
and faith in some sort, any sort of higher power
Refuse a lack of contemplation
Sit cross-legged on the cool evening dirt
run my heightened fingertips
through the strong but bending blades of grass
follow my intuition
immerse myself in my purple
The hanged man knows
sacrifice is not the same as surrender;
The truth does not depend
on what you read1
and I still don't know why
I wrote this long poem
spent sixteen weeks
one page for each day
?wasted
I could have passed the time
through a blender
making work salad
from magnetic poetry pieces
Sixteen weeks
sixteen years
the result:
some sort of poem
a coda
performing the ending
to questions
lacking any sort of truth
because my sill little
human mind
cannot comprehend
what the lemniscate represents
But I tried to create
understanding
as people do
hard at first
I could give you the answers
prove why
through reason and with logic
But cause and effect only works
if every cause must have an effect
is true
I can't find a reason
no cause for the first cause
less definite by the end
I can give you the words
God, time, female, death, creation, bitch
but find no true meaning
only the way in which I
arrange the words
1 Smith, Zadie. White Teeth. Vintage Books: New York, 2000.
2 Rowling, J.K. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. New York: Scholastic, 1997.
3 Eagle-Eye Cherry. "When Mermaids Cry." Desireless. Sony Music Entertainment, 1998.
4 Bartoletti, Susan Campbell. Hitler Youth: Growing Up in Hitler's Shadow. USA: Scholastic, 2005.
6 The Matrix Revolutions.
7 Ammons, A.R. Tape for the Turn of the Year. New York: W.W. Norton & Company, 1965.
8 The Blues Brothers.
9 Beckett, Samuel. Waiting for Godot. New York: Grove Press, 1954.
10 Everclear.
Wednesday 3 May 2006
© 2006 Rock Pickle Publishing